I just had a really annoying conversation. The conversation was annoying entirely because of me.
I overheard two Vietnamese girl friends complaining to each other about their hair, their noses, their outfits. I tried my best to avoid the conversation, as I have no interest in that kind of negativity. But as usual, they dragged me into it. “I tried something different with my hair today, what do you think?”
“Đẹp” (pretty) was my response, as it always is. After six months in Vietnam, I know that it doesn’t matter what I say, because my response would always be met with, “Well, I don’t like it, it’s ugly.”
Umm, ok? Why did you ask then?
This exchange is not unique to Vietnam, of course. Ladies all over the world are highly critical of themselves, always complaining that they’re not pretty enough. They’ll fish for compliments and when they hear what they wanna hear, they’ll shoot it down.
This is annoying, yes? I’m on a journey of self-discovery and self-improvement, and the last thing I wanna do is talk about shallow shit like appearances, let alone negative thoughts about one’s appearances.
But what started as a petty, meaningless conversation quickly turned into an enlightening education on the local culture.
Vietnamese people are deeply humble people. And when they speak negatively about themselves, they’re not fishing for compliments. They do it entirely to make the people around them feel better about themselves. It’s their way of keeping balance in relationships. No one is better than anyone else. “I might be prettier than you, but I’m gonna talk down on myself so that we’ll feel more like equals.”
I happen to think that just bonkers silly. And I tried, with my limited Vietnamese speaking ability, to explain the value of self-confidence and the power of positive thinking. I got very Oprah on them.
The concept was completely lost on these Vietnamese girls. They don’t believe in exuding self-confidence in even the most modest way, because they “sợ người khác nghĩ mình tự cao” – they don’t want people thinking they are arrogant or better than anyone else. So instead, they essentially talk shit about themselves to keep on even keel.
Of course, my American happy-go-lucky response to that is, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all”. Why put that negativity out there? It serves no purpose.
But these girls would argue that keeping the social balance IS the purpose and it’s a dignified one.
Okaaaaaay. But if social balance is that important – hello communism! – surely there’s a way to maintain that without putting yourselves down all the time. That can’t be good for your self esteem.
I was at a wedding this weekend, and I took the opportunity to tell the bride (who I was meeting for the first time) that she looked absolutely beautiful. Her response: “I’m not nearly as beautiful as you, miss Thy.”
Um, that didn’t make me feel good about myself. I found that disturbing! She’s the BRIDE!
What kind of quality of life is that to surround yourself with negative energy all the time? Including your own wedding day!
So back to my conversation. I got so heated, trying to explain to these girls that they’d be much happier people if they cut the negative crap. I got even more heated that my point wasn’t getting across because I was speaking a language I’d only just started to speak in the last six months. It was so frustrating!
But then again, even if I could speak eloquently to these people in their native tongue, I think my point would fall on deaf ears anyway. It’s just the way it is here. This is how they think. This is their culture.
I found the whole thing terribly annoying, but that was my own fault. Who am I to say my way of thinking makes for a better quality of life than theirs? I wasn’t being sensitive to the local culture. I was the one being close-minded.
So in the end, I thought it’d be best if I just shut up.
But true to form, I had to get in the last word: “Ladies. You’re beautiful. And you’re beautiful. End of story.”
Ok, now I’ll shut up.