Are you overwhelmed by the warm fuzzies of my recent LA lovefest? It’s true, I do love this city and I will gush about it in excess.
But let’s be honest. Los Angeles has its flaws: the traffic, the smog.
The worst offender? The DOUCHEBAGS.
I’m 32.
Officially I’m single.
And I’ve decided at long last…
that it’s not my fault.
It’s Los Angeles’s fault. The city is a cesspool of douchebags.
Here’s what’s in my dating cesspool:
This one time…at Boulevard 3…I was having cocktails with my sister…and we met pretty boy Mike. Mike did not introduce himself as “Mike” – he introduced himself by saying, “Hi, I’m a model.”
This one time…I was on a first date with an LAPD cadet…and I found out he had a girlfriend. How did I find out? He was frantically pushing me out the back of his house as she was banging on the front door.
This one time…when I worked for a radio station…I started hanging out with a co-worker thinking I’d made a great new friend. Turns out he had feelings for me that I didn’t reciprocate. But instead of talking to me about it, he posted this mean, horrible blog about me on his MySpace page, likening me to a steel fortress and speculating on how boring and rigid I must be. It’s one thing to be hurt and disappointed by my rejection, but it’s another to be cowardly and passive-aggressive about it.
This one time…at Clear Lounge…I met a sexy Israeli entrepreneur. We would date for about 3 months. And then he’d tell me he couldn’t date me anymore because I wasn’t Jewish. Um…I wasn’t any less Jewish then than I was 3 months earlier. Thanks for wasting my time.
This one time…at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel…I was having cocktails at the swimming pool when I met Stephen the handsome textile importer. We would date for a couple months, and he even went so far as to ask me to move in with him. This was just before I found a stack of love letters from his very CURRENT cougar girlfriend in Ohio.
This one time…at Mood Nightclub…I met Andy the Paparazzo. Andy spent the whole evening bragging about how he’s the guy who shot the clip of Lindsay Lohan leaving the Wonderland Rehab Center and how he made a cool 50 grand off of it. He makes a living off of scandals and invasions of privacy, and when I asked if he was proud of that – he said yes.
This one time…I went out with Ty the audio guy. We had zero chemistry. To make matters more awkward, he only let us order one entree to share (a burger, no less!), spent half the time talking about his ex-girlfriend and spent the other half trying to stick his tongue down my throat.
This one time…at Republic…I was waiting for my car at valet. Record promoter Jeff was also leaving the club, and he would woo me with his charm and humor. We’d casually date for a couple months and would remain friends for years. In fact, we’re still friends to this day. Sometimes I can’t remember why we stopped dating. But then he would send me an email like this: “I’ve got a guy for you. Co-worker. One of my best friends. Lots of fun. Big limb.” Big limb! I can’t make this stuff up, folks.
This one time…at a crowded hookah bar…my friend Yuka and I were having a late-night appetizer and champagne cocktails. A drunk Persian guy stumbled up to our table and started eating our food.
This one time…I was dating this Hollywood entrepreneur…when he sent me a massive email detailing every single one of his thoughts on what potential we had as a couple. His bottom line was: “Do you feel the same?” and when I responded with my bottom line: “Let’s just be friends” – he went to my best girl friend and told her that he totally dumped me. Um, doesn’t he know I have email evidence of precisely the opposite?!
This one time…I had a semi-serious relationship with this music producer for about a year. A few months after our final break-up, he asked for permission to date one of my best friends. Salt on the wound: turns out he was only asking for my permission so he could clear his conscience – because he had already asked her out anyway.
This one time…months after they’d broken up, my sister’s actor/musician ex-boyfriend begged her, “Please please please, can we go out to dinner?” She accepted. He then made her pay for both of their meals AND asked to borrow money from her AND never paid her back.
This one time…on Hollywood Blvd…my friend Maian was feeding her parking meter, when some dude called out: “Dayumn girl you is one fine midget! Ay dog! Lookat this fine ass Asian midget ova hea!” (Ok, so he was a random homeless guy, but still!)
This one time…and lots of other times…at lots of different places…a guy would tell me: “I’m totally into Asian girls” – and would think that it’s a compliment.
I honestly believed for years and years that the problem was me. But no. It’s not. It’s the douchebaggery that consumes this otherwise fine city. Can I blame the city entirely? Of course not. Can I blame myself for somehow attracting this douchebaggery? Maybe. But it’s certainly not intentional. It is, in fact, quite comical. While the stories above are 100% true, I admit that most of these guys are actually nice guys and I’m still friendly with most of them.
They’re just kinda stupid, that’s all. But naturally, stupid guys are not LA-specific (I did just spend 2 years traveling the world, and I can tell you that stupid guys exist everywhere).
LA simply has an unfairly disproportionate douchebag-to-awesomegirl ratio. Surely, there are some good guys in this massive city. I’ll let you know when I find em.
Um, OMG you dodged a bullet with that crazy mo-fo who wrote the blog! That dude is a stage 5 clinger with some mental issues!
The audio guy sounds like a winner – why didn’t you hit that?
I was once propositioned by that old homeless crackhead by our old office… remember him?
Sorry LA has so many douchebags! (I wholeheartedly agree with you on that, btw.) If I ever stumble upon a non douchebag (*that you might be interested in), I’ll send him your way.
Haha… funny…. Sounds like a high ratio but I am sure if you went to any super industrial town it would be the same… full of meat heads. PS. Hpw do you say Douchebag in Spanish?
Steve
Your Awesome! I cant stop reading!
adriana! so funny you singled out the audio guy – he was from andrita too, lol!
steve! el douche?
huy! welcome to my blog
haha u crack me up girl!!! well have u tried aussie boys and cairns boys….hum no comments lol has it been 2 years already that we ve met Thy???!!!
was just thinking of u and looking at ur blog, and seeing that u r still travelling amazes me…maybe I should join you next year lol !!!!
how do u do it? been working here and there?! love ur work girl keep realising your dream
hi babe! i should be taking lessons from YOU – finding work, establishing residency in another country. you were one of the first gals i met on my travels who really inspired me! i’m actually back in LA now living out of my car and crashing people’s couches – not quite as glamorous, ha! hopefully i’ll hit the road again soon – i’ll come pick you up in oz and we’ll take over the world. xxx
this one time…a guy pretended i was the sun of his life…he would dance in the street with me and hold on his shoulder in the beach..hug me tight and say ..he just loved that…only that after two weeks he stopped communicating at all..when i asked him what happened..he replied..the spark ended.. Lmbo… yea…by spark he meant..you are too difficult and you are not giving me more even after all this romance i am doing for you… ughhh superficial bipolar…
this one time…this guy joins me in the restaurant to then tell me …that he doesnt have money and if i could pay..turn off in capital letters..
this one time ..this guy said he doesnt want relationship but i was so special to him..and he wanted me in his life…just so that after a week he goes to post his new gf on fb…and then break up in three days… looser…oh wait there is more ..after a month he contacts me again…to say…he misses me ..and no one is like me…my response..forget about me…
this one time…this guy invites me out..and as soon as we are ready to order ..he complains about the high prices…turn off number 47..lol…at the end …we end up splitting 50-50
this one time…this guy invites me to his place to watch note book…and after is done he starts hugging me passionately..just to say that he is too player to be in a relationship
this one time…on the first date…this guy asks me what is my favorite sexual position…he added..i studied human sexuality..your answer is very important in understanding you…lmbo ..creepy…
this one time..this spanish guy…while having a gf..he was flirting with me and say the most beautiful things..one day i told him..that i couldnt be friends with him..because his behavior killed the hope i had to meet a beautiful loyal person…which he replied…i don’t know what you talking about..you have always been a friend to me…
etc etc…
Enjoy your trip girl…
Angie
douchebag victims unite! thanks for sharing angie, and welcome to my blog
If you wait for the perfect person, you better use a chair…
M
and you, my dear, may just have to wait for the terms of our agreement to kick in.
or, you know, just not be a man whore
I meant no disrespect. I am sorry if you saw it that way my “dear”.
“Amor patitur moras”
M
no disrespect taken. to be honest, i’m not 100% sure who i’m talking to, “M”!