6 Things Vietnamese People Like To Say To Me

A real Vietnamese person will lie to you for only two reasons: they’re trying to get to your money or they’re trying to hide the fact that they’re sleeping with your spouse.

Other than that, you can expect blatant honesty from just about anyone around here. It doesn’t even have to be solicited. And it’s not always flattering. Here are the things I hear most, in no particular order:

1. “You look fatter (or thinner) today than you did yesterday.”

I’ve gotten this from my mother my whole life. Thought it was a mother thing. It is. But it’s also a Vietnamese thing. It’s usually the conversation starter when you meet up with your girlfriends for coffee or show up at a birthday party. I’ve been in Saigon for a month now, and I hear this at least once a day. It doesn’t, nor does it intend to, give anyone a complex. It’s just the way they talk. If I responded with, “Yeah, your muffin top is overflowing today,” they’d say, “I know, right?”

2. “Your nose is so beautiful, so tall.”

It’s hard to pinpoint the exact features that make someone Vietnamese-looking. I myself have a hard time identifying a Vietnamese person in a crowd of mixed Asians. But generally speaking, we have small eyes (check), big lips (check), and small, flat noses (no check). I apparently have a “western” nose. A “tall” nose, they call it. It pretty much means there’s more to my nose than just nostrils; the bridge of my nose is more defined and can hold up a pair of glasses. I accompanied a friend to a nose job consultation about two weeks ago because she wanted a nose like mine. It was far more disturbing than flattering.

I think Asian noses are cute. I’ve always thought my nose was too big for my face, especially when I smile (which sucks because I smile a LOT). But people here love it, and complete strangers walking by on the street are quick to tell me so. This compliment is often followed by, “Did you have it fixed?” or “Are you half-white?” No and no.

3. “What a shame that you’re Vietnamese and can’t speak the language.”

Ouch! But true! You know what? It IS a shame. I resisted learning the mother tongue as a child because I wanted to be a real American. Just like my friends. Just like my teachers. I spent my school years being one of only a handful of minorities and I so wanted to be like everyone else. What a loser I was!

The other reason I resisted is because I was embarrassed. I excelled at reading and writing Vietnamese, but I struggled when it came to speaking. I wasn’t accustomed to failing at anything as a child, so it would crush my confidence when I said something incorrectly. My solution: I gave up. Double loser!!

Well, I’m in Saigon now and doing my best to make up for it. I eagerly jump into conversations knowing full well that I’m speaking at near-infant level. My Vietnamese is getting better every day. The fear is gone. And the desire is full speed ahead.

4. “You should get a boob job.”

Plastic surgery is BIG business in Saigon. And a really good boob job here is only $2,000 USD. My cousin here had hers done after her first child three years ago. They’re gorgeous. And they look totally natural (they’re silicone, not saline here). Asian women are exotic and beautiful in general, but with boobs – yowza! I’m not talking Pamela Anderson boobs. I’m talking a full B-cup or a modest C-cup. I’m not seriously considering it, but the idea is pretty tempting. If an A-cup ain’t good enough in Asia, it ain’t good enough anywhere else. Fortunately though, it’s good enough for me. For now, at least 😉

5. “You’re so dark!”

This is among the worst offenders in Vietnamese culture. Being a dark-skinned Vietnamese means you’re out in the sun every day. Which means you’re a laborer. Which means you’re low on the socioeconomic totem pole. It’s also considered straight-up ugly. So guess what else besides plastic surgery is big business here: whitening creams.

Women here slather themselves in this stuff. L’oreal and Lancome have made their way here with whitening formulas catering specifically to the Vietnamese. But then what do these women do when they must go outside and expose their porcelain skin to the evil sun? Well, after putting on their cute little outfits and climbing onto their motorbikes to hit the road, the ritual is this: they cover their faces with what looks like a SARS mask and they don gloves that go past their elbows and stockings up to their thighs. Hardly an inch of flesh is exposed.

And then there’s me. I come from a culture where being tan is preferred. And I did start out my travels welcoming the new bronze color of my skin. But after so many months of backpacking, I’m definitely too dark now, and the Vietnamese make sure I don’t forget it.

6. “You’ll never find a husband looking like that.”

Good thing I’m not looking for one at the moment. I’m looking for myself! And I’m quite happy doing it without make-up. In every photo posted on this blog so far, I’m wearing nothing more on my face than sunblock and lip balm. And I’m alright with that.

It took me 30 years to finally feel comfortable with myself this way, and yeah, I’m gonna come right out and say it: I think I’m beautiful. Until about four months ago (four months ago!), I only felt pretty wearing globs of mascara, dark eyeshadow and eyeliner. Many of my friends have never even seen me without make-up because I often wouldn’t leave the house without it. Thank gawd those days are over. But the ladies of Saigon aren’t having any of that nonsense. They love to give me quick makeovers in the car when they realize how much of an embarrassment I’m going to be when we arrive at the restaurant or the club or wherever we’re going.

The clothes? Well, a lesson in Backpacking 101 will clear this right up. Plus I have limited tolerance for carrying around my backpack, and the last thing I need is nice clothes & high heels weighing it down. I like my ankle-length skirts. My scarves. My wrist full of bracelets. My handwoven satchel that’s hanging by a thread. My flip flops.

I might not find a husband looking like this, but there is simply no greater reward in life than finding myself. Everything else is just a bonus.

I gotta hand it to the Vietnamese. They’ll tell you exactly what they think. It’s refreshing, actually, when compared to my previous life of superficial pleasantries. Surely I wouldn’t be making many friends if I took this practice home with me to the States. But I’m so busy being amused by their forwardness, I don’t have it in me to be offended. Just another fascinating thing I’ve learned about another fascinating culture.